Time flies

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. I went through some difficult stuff and was not able to process all of it by writing about it but I also thought that I could not skip those things either. It just did not feel right. So I stopped writing. 

In the end of last year I had a very bad period of time and somehow it got me writing. I wrote a couple of things.. I feel like I had to eventually do it just to get it out of me. I saved them and I think now I'm ready to put them out for you to see. 

So here you go... 

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It's been a long time since I wrote anything, any of my thoughts or feelings anywhere for that matter. I stopped writing around march-april when I lost the light of my life. The most innocent and genuinly happy soul I have ever incountered in my life. I feel guilty for the way his short life ended and there has not been a day since that I don't think about him. I thought that if I ever write on this blog again, I would just ignore the past 8 months and just carry on writing about how my life is at the moment. It's quite hard though because I don't let my self the chanse to let go. I'm a very emotional person. To the extreme to be quite honest. People who never had the privilidge of being chosen by an animal as their "parent", have no idea of how bad it could feel like if you one day had to say goodbye to your beloved furry friend. Let alone not to have the chance to say goodbye to them. 

I have difficulties to even be happy for the times we had together because there should have been so many more. 

I don't speak about this with anyone because just thinking of him makes me cry uncontrolablly. My faith in any bigger power has started to fade so much this past year and I don't know what to believe in anymore. I have lost this big piece of my heart and people close to me have gone through their own losses too. The only thing that I do know for certain is that heaven is such a better place now that our angels are there. 

I write this with tearfilled eyes, but one day we will be together again <3

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It's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel like there are things that I need to say but can't find the way to tell anyone what's been going on inside my head for the past year. 

Most of you know that I have been ill. Like, very ill. Nothing I parade about either. But I have had this illnes for nearly a decade soon.

At one point I had so many pills to take I wasn't even sure what all of them were. 17 in the morning, 6 in the day and 14 for the night. 37. That's a pretty big number for someone at their early 20's. 

The medication didn't seem to work too good because I needed the emergency room quite a few times. For anemia to name one. That time I was pretty much half a day from "seeing the light" as my doctor put it. 

My illness got pretty agressive again three years ago and that meant a lot of time in the hospital and at home. Very little work and social life. That one night a week that I went out with my friends was at the same time the best and the worst day of my week. I got to do and talk about things that had nothing to do with being sick. Except for the banter I got from running to the toilet all the time. This is where the worst time of the week usually started. I could not, and I certainly would not show my friends the pain I was in. Both physically and mentally. The first 20 times I laughed with them, but after a while it get's old and it actually does not make me laugh. But mostly cry, in the toilet, while I was in horrible physical pain. I used to go to the toilet at a bar and just wish for the night to be over so I can go home with my stomache-ache. I am not talking about a "I ate something bad-stomache ache". These were what I would think that being shot to the stomache would feel like. I am not one to be publicly sad nor quiet and I used that as a shield. As long as I looked and sounded like the same happy person I've always been, no one would ever know and I would not have to tell anyone how I really felt. Yes I talked about my illness a lot with some friends, but not nearly half of it. I always thought that it's just best for everyone if they see me as the strong happy girl I've always been. No need to worry anyone, they have their own problems to think about. 

September 2012 was a month when I was on strong medication once again and this devil would just not butt off. Around christmas I was told that the meds should have made me completely better by then but they wanted to wait a few months before making any decisions about surgery. But my doctor said I should think about it and prepare my self for the possibility of one. The surgery would be big and they would take out my colon. The whole thing. But building a pouch inside my stomach would help me live like before but without the pain. Wow. What could possibly be better. Well not to have this in the first place, but this is what I got to live with. 

I wasn't too excited to have the surgery because it is not a simple thing that you just recover from in a month.

After two months of waiting and hoping for the meds to still help me avoid the surgery I had had enough. I called my doctor and told him that we're doing this. And so I started a new chapter in my book of hospitals. Got transferred to a hospital that specializes in these things. Got checked up by the doctors there and within two months I was on the operation table. 

All went good and I can tell you that I have never experienced pain like that in my life! I had to be high on morphine for a week just to cope with the surgical pain. Well ok, my stomache had been open and my intestants outside my body so yeah, that probably should hurt. 

All this is no news to anyone who knows me.

What no one knows is that near Christmas-time last year I had thought out what kind of funeral I would want to have. I wanted to have it all figured out so my family would have one less thing to worry about.  I was so depressed, confused and distressed that I could not handle any of the stress this illness was causing. I was hurting so bad I can't even put it to words. There were nights when I just screamed from the pain. It was scary not to know what to expect from the future, if I even had one. And I was sure that if I had one, it would never be the same. I had thought of all kinds of scenarios in my head and most of them looked bad. Most of all I was scared of cancer. It runs in the family and I lost my perfect grandmother to it, and hers was also in her stomache. It was just a matter of time for me to get it. At least thats what I constantly thought and was thinking about. The positive and optimistic person was gone. I even saw it my self and it made me sad to notice that I really could not see any positive sides in anything. 

I just did not want anyone to go through any more stress because of me. I did not want to burden people with talking about these things because it felt like all I ever had to say was something stomache-related. So I just kept it to my self and all anyone got to see was the somewhat smile on my face. 

I am so thankful for the few people that have shown their genuine support by always asking how I am and how things are with me. I hope you see now how much it meant to me. 

You saved me. 

Thank you.