I've had a long pause in writing. I think it's mostly because I've tried to enjoy the summer as much as I can
and not sit inside all the time.
But why now? What got me to start writing again?
I had a wake-up call a few days ago. Something happened that made me change the way I want to think and live.
I've always lived with no regrets and trying to live life to it's fullest, but you don't always succeed in doing that.
It's easier said than done. But now I feel obligated to live every day like it was the last,
since it kind of felt like it during the weekend.
I had to stop and think if I had everything under control, if there was somebody I needed to apologise to or
was there possibly someone who did not know how much I appreciate and love them?
So this is how it all started...
I got a horrible headache all of a sudden. Took some strong pills for it and tried to sleep, but failed since the pain was so strong.
After one hour from my second dose of the medicine I called to the hospital and they put a doctor on the phone who wanted me to
come immediately to get checked since it did not sound like a normal flu to him and he wanted to check that this was no result from a medication I had been given a few days earlier.
So I arrived to the hospital and got a bed to relax on - wich was impossible. I could not close my eyes because of the pain.
It took over 3 hours for them to give me any medication whatsoever. They tried 2 different things and neither of them helped.
They were supposed to be so agressive meds that the headache would dissapear at the same moment. Yet nothing happened and the aches just got worse by the minute.
They then decided to keep me in under surveillance and to put me on an IV(Intravenous therapy) and give me medication that way.
Hours passed and I had still gotten no sleep. In the morning I had a new doctor come and see me. She did a bunch of neurologic tests on me and ordered some x-rays to be taken.
Finally I saw a friendly face - somebody had to wheel me to the x-ray and it happened to be a guy I know. It felt nice to speak to someone who spoke to me as a person, and not as a patient.
A moment after the x-rays I had another friend to visit me briefly - I needed a charger to my phone so I would not die of boredom! So he arrived as my knight in shiny armour to bring me one!
Three-four hours later the doctor came in and told me they did not find anything new in my x-rays and that she had spoken with a neurologist from another hospital and they wanted me to go there immediately.
This was the first time I got scared and I paniced. Any doctor is fine, but when they bring a neurologist to the picture, that means that it's serious.
I broke down.
It was so scary to be there alone.
I spoke to my mom and she helped me to calm down by reminding me that the best doctors in Finland work in that hospital and they are going to take good care of me.
So a few hours later my ride came. They took me to the other hospital with an ambulance. I have to say that the ride was the most fun I had in a long time.
The personnel was so much fun to chat with and for a while it felt like I wasn't sick.
After we arrived to the hospital they gave me a bed to lie in and had me waiting - again.
Finally after two hours I got to speak to the neurologist. After all the questions and test she did to me, she then told me that they will give me more medicine and if it does not help then she thinks it's more serious than they thought and then they will have to do a cerebrospinal fluid examination.
It simply means that they stick a long thick needle into the spinal cord and take the fluid samples to see if there is an internal bleeding in the brain.
Now that I wrote it, it sounds so simple and not bad at all. But in reality I was panicing once again.
Thank god my uncle Toni and my friend Jo came for a visit and brighten up my day. I don't remember too much from their visit. Not because of any drugs, but because deep down I was
scared to death of the upcoming examination. They stayed for a couple of hours but then I felt like I needed to rest before the examination, so they left.
When they finally took the test I was ready to pass out because I was so scared. Scared that it's going to hurt. It did not even occur to me that this was a very serious matter and if the results
would not be good, it could mean terrible things. Life-threatening things.
Well the fluid was clear so there was nothing to worry about. It hurt like a motherfucker when they did it, and I have been in pain ever since.
They might have hit a nerve because the area is sore and it hurts whenever I move around.
Today I realized one thing. I should probably stop complaining about my back. If the results were any different, I might be writing this from the hospital. If I even was able to write. Or think.
The thing is that now when I've had some spare time to be alone with my thoughts, I've becoming to realize that I seriously had a close call.
It scares the hell out of me to think what it would have meant if it had turned out that I had an internal bleeding in the brain.
The test did not show anything bad and they let me go home with no information at all about what was wrong with me. So now I just have to wait and see what happens next.
But I learned something from this. What if today was your last day? Would you just continue on living like you used to, or would you change things?
I have never lived any less than I should, but maby less than I wanted to. We don't always have the resources to do so, but we might as well give it a try.
This is what has been going through my mind in this short period of time that has felt like forever.
I leave you now with my thoughts and some lyrics from a song that makes me think of these things even more.
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
Last I need to thank my friends and family who got me through it all. Seriously I would be in a totally different kind-of a hospital right now if it wasn't for Toni, Jo, Lotta, Mici, Alexandra and most importantly my mom <3
Thanks to everyone who sent me messages and get well-wishes. They really helped me to feel better and stay sane.
