Time flies

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. I went through some difficult stuff and was not able to process all of it by writing about it but I also thought that I could not skip those things either. It just did not feel right. So I stopped writing. 

In the end of last year I had a very bad period of time and somehow it got me writing. I wrote a couple of things.. I feel like I had to eventually do it just to get it out of me. I saved them and I think now I'm ready to put them out for you to see. 

So here you go... 

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It's been a long time since I wrote anything, any of my thoughts or feelings anywhere for that matter. I stopped writing around march-april when I lost the light of my life. The most innocent and genuinly happy soul I have ever incountered in my life. I feel guilty for the way his short life ended and there has not been a day since that I don't think about him. I thought that if I ever write on this blog again, I would just ignore the past 8 months and just carry on writing about how my life is at the moment. It's quite hard though because I don't let my self the chanse to let go. I'm a very emotional person. To the extreme to be quite honest. People who never had the privilidge of being chosen by an animal as their "parent", have no idea of how bad it could feel like if you one day had to say goodbye to your beloved furry friend. Let alone not to have the chance to say goodbye to them. 

I have difficulties to even be happy for the times we had together because there should have been so many more. 

I don't speak about this with anyone because just thinking of him makes me cry uncontrolablly. My faith in any bigger power has started to fade so much this past year and I don't know what to believe in anymore. I have lost this big piece of my heart and people close to me have gone through their own losses too. The only thing that I do know for certain is that heaven is such a better place now that our angels are there. 

I write this with tearfilled eyes, but one day we will be together again <3

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It's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel like there are things that I need to say but can't find the way to tell anyone what's been going on inside my head for the past year. 

Most of you know that I have been ill. Like, very ill. Nothing I parade about either. But I have had this illnes for nearly a decade soon.

At one point I had so many pills to take I wasn't even sure what all of them were. 17 in the morning, 6 in the day and 14 for the night. 37. That's a pretty big number for someone at their early 20's. 

The medication didn't seem to work too good because I needed the emergency room quite a few times. For anemia to name one. That time I was pretty much half a day from "seeing the light" as my doctor put it. 

My illness got pretty agressive again three years ago and that meant a lot of time in the hospital and at home. Very little work and social life. That one night a week that I went out with my friends was at the same time the best and the worst day of my week. I got to do and talk about things that had nothing to do with being sick. Except for the banter I got from running to the toilet all the time. This is where the worst time of the week usually started. I could not, and I certainly would not show my friends the pain I was in. Both physically and mentally. The first 20 times I laughed with them, but after a while it get's old and it actually does not make me laugh. But mostly cry, in the toilet, while I was in horrible physical pain. I used to go to the toilet at a bar and just wish for the night to be over so I can go home with my stomache-ache. I am not talking about a "I ate something bad-stomache ache". These were what I would think that being shot to the stomache would feel like. I am not one to be publicly sad nor quiet and I used that as a shield. As long as I looked and sounded like the same happy person I've always been, no one would ever know and I would not have to tell anyone how I really felt. Yes I talked about my illness a lot with some friends, but not nearly half of it. I always thought that it's just best for everyone if they see me as the strong happy girl I've always been. No need to worry anyone, they have their own problems to think about. 

September 2012 was a month when I was on strong medication once again and this devil would just not butt off. Around christmas I was told that the meds should have made me completely better by then but they wanted to wait a few months before making any decisions about surgery. But my doctor said I should think about it and prepare my self for the possibility of one. The surgery would be big and they would take out my colon. The whole thing. But building a pouch inside my stomach would help me live like before but without the pain. Wow. What could possibly be better. Well not to have this in the first place, but this is what I got to live with. 

I wasn't too excited to have the surgery because it is not a simple thing that you just recover from in a month.

After two months of waiting and hoping for the meds to still help me avoid the surgery I had had enough. I called my doctor and told him that we're doing this. And so I started a new chapter in my book of hospitals. Got transferred to a hospital that specializes in these things. Got checked up by the doctors there and within two months I was on the operation table. 

All went good and I can tell you that I have never experienced pain like that in my life! I had to be high on morphine for a week just to cope with the surgical pain. Well ok, my stomache had been open and my intestants outside my body so yeah, that probably should hurt. 

All this is no news to anyone who knows me.

What no one knows is that near Christmas-time last year I had thought out what kind of funeral I would want to have. I wanted to have it all figured out so my family would have one less thing to worry about.  I was so depressed, confused and distressed that I could not handle any of the stress this illness was causing. I was hurting so bad I can't even put it to words. There were nights when I just screamed from the pain. It was scary not to know what to expect from the future, if I even had one. And I was sure that if I had one, it would never be the same. I had thought of all kinds of scenarios in my head and most of them looked bad. Most of all I was scared of cancer. It runs in the family and I lost my perfect grandmother to it, and hers was also in her stomache. It was just a matter of time for me to get it. At least thats what I constantly thought and was thinking about. The positive and optimistic person was gone. I even saw it my self and it made me sad to notice that I really could not see any positive sides in anything. 

I just did not want anyone to go through any more stress because of me. I did not want to burden people with talking about these things because it felt like all I ever had to say was something stomache-related. So I just kept it to my self and all anyone got to see was the somewhat smile on my face. 

I am so thankful for the few people that have shown their genuine support by always asking how I am and how things are with me. I hope you see now how much it meant to me. 

You saved me. 

Thank you. 

Dream big right?;)

Klockan är miljoner och här ligger jag, inte för att jag skulle vara pigg men för att nacken är styv å sjuk som fan. Sökte hjälp till det från lite Zumba idag men nej, så får köra med kära Burana 800 istället. Orsaken till detta är mina drömmar förra natten. Har säkert vridit och vänt mig i onormala ställningar när jag drömde om min blivande man. Mamma är nämligen övertygad om att ja ska gifta mig med Andreas Thorkildsen. Jag har ju absolut inget emot det men kan ju bra hända att det är lättare sagt än gjort, just guessing. Hon tycker jag ska jobba på saken lite flitigare än vad jag gjort hittils.
Jag är ju alltså inte en sjuk stalker. Har bara varit helt kär i honom sen typ 2005. Fick tom. en muntlig varning på mitt gamla jobb när chefen tyckte det var inappropriate att ha så många bilder på män på arbetsutrymmets väggar... Kanske det skulle ha varit helt fine om jag hade berättat att nej nej nu har du förstått fel, jag ska gifta mig med honom..?
Min lilla obsession (och mitt liv!!!!) nådde sin högpunkt förra sommaren.. Han gick över mig. Alltså bokstavligen!! Jag var och titta på fri-idrotts EM då han helt plötsligt stog snett framför mig! Jag stelna totalt och kunde inte andas. Mamma bara satt å stirra på mig, säkert för att kolla att jag inte dör i hjärtattack. Han ville gå högre upp och sitta så istället för att gå runt en massa folk så tog han några långa steg och stog på bänken framför mig och sedan över mig med ett litet "ursäkta mig-smile"... Gud bevare...han skulle ha fått trampa på mig och där skulle jag ha suttit stum och stel. Jävlar så han dofta gott! Sexigaste mannen med jeans och hoodie jag har nånsin sett!
När han hade gått så frågade mamma om jag var okeij? Försökte prata men det som kom ur mig var inget språk alls. Jag bara slumrade nånting och tårarna bara rann! Helt hysteriskt! Mamma och Riikka som också var med var båda bara shockade. Mamma had inte vetat hur mycke hag faktist gillar honom:D Men ärligt sagt så hade jag absolut ingen aning att jag skulle reagera sådär! Måste va de lyckligaste jag varit i mitt liv ju! :D
Satt ju resten av dagen med huvvet åt fel håll och fotade honom i smyg.. Hmmmm...Andreas=sjuk nacke. Tycker han är skuld mig en massage!

Mycket lättare att vara kär i en idrottare än i en hollywood stjärna, man tror ju man har en chans med en lite mindre känd typ. H.Forever alone





Men kolla nu, hur bra sku int jag passa brevid honom??
Alltså fy fan så han e het

7 days

In one weeks time we will be in a Bieber-high! So surreal to finally get to see him after all these years!!

Heloooooooo

Anybody deeeeeeer?
Jesus take the wheelchair! So tired and bored that I'm just writing nonsense.

Is it Monday again?

Sjuttonpinnar alltså! Gick till hvc idag för att de skulle ta röntgen på min vänstra vrist som varit sjuk i några år nu. Den har blivit så sjuk att ja inte kan sova utan värkmedicin. Anyway. Dendär jävla korta vägen tog fan på mitt knä så mycke att de jäveln ser ut som en missbildad vattenmelon! Sjuk som bara vad och obehagligt svullen. Ja jag vet att ja inte får gå i nån backe varken uppåt eller neråt men jag kan ju int direkt flyga heller. Åh gud och allah så ja väntar på dagen då ja inte har nån kroppsdel att klaga på! Har ju bytit alla reservdelar som bara går före jag når the big 3 - 0.

Nåja sedan kom huvudvärket som jag redan pirrade om.
Tänkte somna på soffan men istället tänkte jag att nej, nu ska jag vara flitig och sätta lite kläder i maskinen. Så gick jag till badrummet och plockade bort lite kläder som låg på tvättmaskinen och PADANG så fäller jag min relativt nya och asigt dyra foundationflaska på golvet! Den sprack och typ allt från flaskan strittade på hela golvet, dörren, tamburen, väggen, mig, tvättmaskinen, sandlådan och badkaret. Okeij ingen att skylla på så då blir man ju bara mera arg när man vet att de va ens eget fel! Helvete. Kokhett vatten och rinna så duschar jag bort all färg från nåh....allt. Tog mig ungefär 3sekunder att konstatera att detdär helvetes färgen inte lossnar, nejnej, den sprids ju ÖVERALLT på en sekund och ger med sig en skojig yta som gör det att inte äns en droppe vatten hålls på den! Blir som nåt jävla olja skulle ha smorts överallt. Vid dethär laget har min granne lärt sig ett par nya svordomar. På alla språk jag kan. Cillit BANG och smutset är kvar! Klorit och jag är hög. Sista utvägen Ajax härliga doft blandades i alla andra aromer och jag höll på att nästan spy. Ja - jag kan väl göra mina bestyr ute härifrån framåt, min wc är oficciellt asig. Gick ut för att kunna andas igen och plockade på samma gång bort julbelysningen från lilla trädet och staketet. En lugnande cigarett och lite skvaller med en vän så orkar man fortsätta med badrums golvet igen. Fick skrubba och skölja, skrubba och skölja nå hundra gånger tills jag bestämde mig att den är hur fin somhelst fast det är en fin nyans mellan mörka kaklarna nu. Safe to say att kläderna väntar i maskinen att dom ska hängas upp. Varför göra nu det, som man kan också lämna ogjort imorn.

Vääääärk!

När man har huvuvärk och lider av sånhäna magproblem som jag så e de svårt att slippa av med huvuvärket så snabbt för att ibuprofein e int egentligen tillåtet. Paracetamol påverkar långsamt och e int alltid till hjälp. Så om man int har annat så näst bästa medicinen är kofein. Jag är inte en kaffevän men hellre dricker ja nåt asigt än lider av asig huvudvärk. Åtminståne så har jag en fin mugg. Och Disneychannel.

Hallååååå

Måste bara få öppna mig nu lite..
Jag har alltid varit den som mina vänner och andra nära har fått berätta sina bekymmer åt och jag lyssnar alltid. Men nu har jag tyvärr en sån kännsla att jag har inte allt för många att öppna mig till. Ett par vänner och min morbror. Det är kanske mera än vad många andra har men särskillt när det är svåra saker jag måste gå genom i mitt liv just nu så behöver jag extra mycket stöd och jag känner att min familj inte ger det till mig.. Dom som jag borda få mäst stöd och förstånd av så har absolut inge intresse med i mitt liv över huvutaget. Kul att dom har allt som dom behöver och önskar sig, men jag finns fortfarande här....

Viktig liten sak

Jag kom just ihåg att jag har inte presentera mitt lilla fadderbarn till er! Här är hon, ladies and gentlemen; sötaste Saga <3

Murr

Har int ork att skriva hit just nu... Är helt megatrött å apatisk helatiden. Har lite sämre period sådär överlag. Skriver dessutom på svenska för att ja har såndän fiilis att so fucking what fö ingen läser mina juttun ändå. Wow så ja E positiv! Vet int när ha senast ha vari på såhär asigt humör hela tiden. Blir tom. fitti på mig själv av att kylskåpsdörren blivit på glänt. Int e de lätt nej. Men herregud va händer här?! Fimpen fes just så hårt att de lät som en människa! Eller vem fan vet, kanske de va jag, kanske ja int märker mer när ja gör sånt heller.
Ja blev medlem i en grupp för 18-30 åriga som har samma sjukdom som jag. Har udnvikit länge att göra sånt men nu kände jag att ja behöver "vertaistuki"...va de nu sen e på svenska. Har på en dag fått så mycke hjälp och folk som kämpat mig att ja ha sutti å lipa när ja ha läst allt som domhär obekanta människor har skrivit till mig. Helt otroligt. Några mina vänner skriver med mig om domhär sakerna å de e härligt att få sånt stöd, men de man kan prata med människor med samma sjukdom e nog helt annorlunda och de behövde ja faktist.
Nu är det två dagar kvar till mitt första läkarbesök på nya sjukhuset! Asigt spännande!

:(

Only thing making me smile right now is knowing that it's 20 days untill I see JB

Last week

As I said earlier nothing extremely exciting has happened.
After I got a great start to a healthier life by being on that killer diet I signed up at a gym. Trying to go there 2-3 times minimum in a week. I am not going to be too hard on my self even if I did start a healthier life, so I am going to allow a little splurging on the week-ends. Nothing over the top though! Last friday I made pizza with low-fat cheese and I tried out Coca Cola Zero which was just as good as regular Coke! For all you Coke-Light haters - I am one of you and I am telling you that Zero tasted like the real thing!
Anyway, I can't go all crazy with dieting either because it will back-fire as a very irritated stomache and I'm fine with just one ulcer, don't need several.
AND I needs my wine.

I thought I would be dying after my first work-out, but instead I was filled with energy and endorphines! Not too much muscle-pain either, so I whent the next day too. I can't wait to go again!! Feels so great to have actually developed a positive intake to working out! I used to hate it!! It felt like a must and I never enjoyed it. At all. But now it's something that I get to look forward to doing. I think this will do me good mentally as well. Getting my mind off things is what I need. I'm not saying I'm going crazy or that I am depressed, no no just too occupied with my thoughts about my health. Everything else feels good.

My sister came home for easter so we had some sis-time with awesome Greek food and a movie! :)

This week-end we celebrated easter. Basically this is how it whent: Lamb-wine-vodka-dancing-burgers-hangover-easterwitches-kebab-koma-alcohol-makeup-alcohol-dancing-sleepingforhundredhours-food-icecream-tv-bed-happythateasterisoverbecauseiamtoooldforthisshit.

Silence

Ok so I've been a bit quiet on the blog-front and I' sorry to say that it's not because I have been doing loads of exciting thins. I have just not felt like writing because my mood has not been so great. I just feel like there is too much going on right now. And even though I have tried to take it easy because I'm paranoid that I will die if I do anything that is out of ordinary. Not maybe that literally but I'm seriously paranoid about getting cancer if I dont get the surgery done quickly enough. It sounds crazy to some, but it is my future with an 80% chance if they don't operate on me soon. So I'm allowed to be paranoid and I feel that writing this here is the only way for me to express my thoughts. I'm seeing a new doctor in a week so then I'll learn more. Can't wait! Even though I'm scared like hell.

Happyy!!!

So yesterday was a tad hard and I wanted to give up! Thos morning I decided to step on that scale again and see what I've really lost because morning-weight is the one you should always go by. Also I weighd my self on the morning of day one. Well I can say that this day started better than I could have imagined! I've lost just over 6kilos! I'm so frickin happy!! That result will give me the strength to get through this day!:)

Day 5

I had countless weak moments! Oh my god! It was so hard to keep control! But I made it! With my friends cheering me on, I made it through the day, wohoo! The reason for the sucky day was that I made the mistake to step on a scale in the middle of the day after lunch!! I lost just under 4 kilos. I really don't know what I'm whining about because it's more than people lose in weeks! So maybe this is working after all!!:)
Hardest part of the day was going to the shop because Friday is my yummy food-day.. Seeing everyone buy pizzas and steaks and chocolate made me want to cry! So I did cheat a little bit.. My shopping was sad anyway! But I just had to have some oatmeel porridge.. So nothing unhealthy!

Girls house

Apparently this healthy food is messing up with my system because I woke up early today and even though I tried I couldn't fall back a sleep. And I really wanted to! Dreaming something that good should never resolute to waking up to this stupid reality called life.
Well I had work to do so FINE I'll get up earlier! Later I got company from Camilla and "Tomcam" and then Riikka and then Jo. Fun un-expected visits!
Camilla stayd hours after the girls left. It was fun just to sit and talk, just us for a change:) Not a day passed by that I eouldn't talk to her anyway :D
Rest of the evening I spent like modt weeknights - playing Candy Crush and wathing tv.

Day 4

I'm quite shocked that my stomache has not started disagreeing with this diet. I don't just have my illnes but I was also hospitalised on saturday because I had some major pains that were completely new to me. Found out that on top of everything else, I have an ulcer! The ulcer I can actually feel all the time - well maybe not the actual ulcer but the pain caused by it. For me it's not the worst pain ever but I can imagine how bad it would be for someone with no stomache problems.. It's like this burning pain but at the same time it feels like I'm being stabbed from the inside.

So back to the diet. Today I ate fruits and fat-free natural yoghurt. No problem there, nor in the soup-eating. It's so good compared to the original one! Had to make more today because I ate it all! Tomorrow is a weird tomato-day.. Tell you more when I suffer through it.
By the way, one thing that I craved on day 1&2 was ice cold coca cola.. Well it was nice to go to the shop today...

Day 3

Today was easy because of the freedom to eat fruits!! I made a new soup and I looooved it!! It was supposed to last for 3 days but I barely have enough for lunch tomorrow! That's how good it was!

Today was a fun day anyways because I got to hang out with Noomi and then I met the tiny one! How can something that small be so real??! <3

Need to sleep now - my eyes are closing allready.. Niiiight!!

Babyyyy

Last night I got some happy news! Well I wasn't happy when Lotta wrote me she was in pain at midnight but everything got better approximately 4 hours later when she wrote me again, telling she just gave birth to their second princess! I am so happy for her, she has been in such agony for over 2weeks and there has been nothing I could do other than just try to support her and keep her company.
Tomorrow I will finally meet the tiny miracle! After I first look after her big sister so that daddy can go to the hospital and spend time with mommy and the little one:)
So this should be it with baby-news for a while I think:P

Day 2

Oh man oh man this is hard.. I had a whole friggin cucumber for brekkie!! For a snack I had a red paprika(aka.bell pepper). Then I ate the soup for late lunch/early dinner.. Had to put some new taste in it so I chopped up some garlic which did not make it good but less disgusting. Then I got creative and put slices of zucchini spiced with garlic-powder and oregano in the oven and it was deliscious!! Yum! In the evening I finally had two small-sized baked potatoes with butter, and needless to say - it was heavenly. I had to cheat today but I don't think it could have been that bad... I ate two plums so nothing unhealthy, I just needed something sweet. Tomorrow is going to be a long day but most versitile of the days yet, it's eat as much vegetables and fruits as you want-day! And who could forghet the soup!! Making a new batch tomorrow with new spices and ingredients so hopefully it will be tolerable for a few days.. I'm allready planning what I'll eat on monday.. I'll splurge first and then I'll continue with the healthy eating with one piggy-day a week! Need to change my daily chedule too.. Can't eat this irregularly. That might allready do the trick for me but I'm hoping my poorly tummy will be able to handle it too.. Seeing as I normally don't eat during the day and I have my first meal like 6pm or later, but that's become a routine just because of my illness.

Day 1

Dear diary, the first day of the diet is going great - I'm ready to kill my self any minute now. I've been on this diet before and did remember it was quite gross but I did not recall it being so bad I nearly threw up from the soup.. It just does not give any pleasure to my taste buds. Today I had juices and one fruit.. That and the soup is really not enough but I remember days one and two being the hardest ones so I just have one more to go to day 3! Tomorrow I get to eat green vegetables and a baked potato with butter so I can't wait for that!! Oh and of course the soup, which has to be eaten every day as much as possible.. Ew.
The soup looked and smelled so much better before cooking it...maybe I'll just have everything raw tomorrow..